My Story: A Reclaiming
Since my husband and I separated last February during our 14th year of marriage, I have struggled with how much or how little to share of my story. Maybe you can relate: our stories are so intertwined with the stories of the other people in our lives, so how do we claim our own while still honoring the sovereignty that others have over theirs?
I have generally chosen to err on the side of sharing less. Then recently I noticed that sharing less had become sharing none, and that wasn’t serving me or anyone else. My journey over the past year has brought me to powerful new ground, where I feel very clear in my own life, decisions, and connection to spirit. I have shed the need to explain myself to anyone or ask permission to live my life according to my own choices. And it feels really great.
And yet, I know that we all long for the stories. While we don’t have the right to anyone else’s stories, those who are willing to share their stories help us orient ourselves in an ever-changing world, life itself, and our own relationships. I realized recently that in not sharing my own story, not only was I leaving a lot to the imagination and possible misinterpretation, I was also hiding my gifts in that murky space I had created.
Why do we hide? I believe it is often because we feel shame. Shame is insidious, often running deep below the surface. I discovered my shame tucked so deep down that I didn’t even know it was there. I finally discovered that I was afraid to share the story of my personal healing and transformation journey because I believed people would then blame the end of my marriage on this growth. I also realized that my fear of other people’s misinterpretation of my story was a projection of my own hidden and misguided shame. I was trying to control the narrative around my story, but I now see that the truth is so nuanced. So instead I would like to offer some guiding principles that have supported me. You will draw your own conclusions, as we all do. If you are open, I invite you to allow space for more complexity and see what arises for you.
When my husband and I separated, it was a couple weeks before we found ourselves homebound in the midst of a global pandemic. And so, for that and other reasons, it was several more months before I moved out of our family home and into a shared house just a few minutes away. This intentional move gave us both more space to process the separation while also allowing us to both be actively involved with coparenting our three children.
Concurrently, over the past few years, I have been on a deeply personal journey of reclaiming, liberation, and stepping courageously into a truer, more beautiful expression of my Self. Even though I know at a deep level that this transition was necessary and has been profoundly healing, it is still uncomfortable, painful at times, and requires a deep trust in my own Knowing. Trusting my Knowing is a new muscle I have been building and I see now how we build it by using it, by taking leap after leap into the unknown.
Now to support in clarifying the boundaries between what is my story and what is my family’s story, I can share the following while holding my family’s story sacred:
1. I don’t believe that our marriage failed but rather that it got to a point where it absolutely needed to change shape so that everyone within the family could thrive. I don’t see the unweaving and completion of a marriage as necessarily making a broken family. While all families have their own experience, I see our transition as a necessary evolution and one that is still in progress. It is a deeply tender story that includes many people whose stories are their own. So I will give them time and space to share when or if they desire to.
2. Blaming our separation on my growth journey is simply not what’s true...and also, without that growth, I likely would not have had the courage to actually take the steps necessary to make the change. It is both. It is also true that my husband has been and continues to be supportive of all that I have uncovered and reclaimed for myself over the past few years. The trajectory of our relationship is a separate story and one that I will keep private for now.
3. We are gently untangling as best we can. It gets messy sometimes and also we are doing our best to continue to encourage and inspire each other into the best possible future for each of us. We are both deeply committed to our children and to being active and present for them during this transition. While we do not do it perfectly, I honor the grace with which we are navigating this new territory, as well as the kindness and compassion that we imperfectly but genuinely continue to offer one another.
I don’t want to hold back any longer on sharing the gems of my own journey with you all. I am clear that the work and healing and inspiration I have to offer comes directly from my personal reclamation as well as my observations of hundreds of other humans whose stories I have had the privilege of witnessing in different ways.
Even the work of writing and rewriting this post has been a deeply insightful learning process. Here are some of the questions I have asked myself in the process that may serve you as well: Where are you holding back on sharing your gifts because you are afraid of what people might think? Could you be hiding a powerful story of growth and healing because of deeply hidden currents of fear or shame? What would if feel like to claim your own story, even knowing that you cannot control other people’s interpretations? How can you let go of the need to control the narrative and continue stepping boldly forward on your own path?
It’s not easy to take yourself on at this level. I do it with a lot of support and as such, I am here to offer you my support if you desire it. In the immediate future, I am offering a free live challenge next week in Reclaim Your Space to share some of the tools I have used and insights I have gained along the way. I hope you will join me there.
