It was all I could do…

Let's not do it like last year, please! they all pleaded with me.

You see, last year, we had missed so many opportunities to pick out a Christmas tree that we ended up with a choice of two very sad-looking trees. The last two trees in the whole town!

So this year, we set a date in early December to go pick out a tree. (My kids are at my house every other week which adds to the challenge, but we figured it out.)

I coordinated a time that would work for me, my partner, and all of my three kids. I sat with my teenager and explained how it was important to me that we went all together. I got everyone on board for this adventure.

And then, someone got sick.

And I didn't sleep the whole night.

And by the time it was time to get everyone in the car, I just couldn't do it.

So we renegotiated.

And then we renegotiated a second time. And everyone started to get nervous that it wouldn't happen, ever. But I was committed to gentleness.

And then we finally did it!

We got everyone in the car (a challenge in itself.) We got to the local firehouse where they sell the trees and we picked one that we all really liked.

When we got the tree home, I got everyone involved to get it off the top of the car, carry it inside, and place it in the stand.

But each time we stood it up in the stand, the tree began leaning...slowly falling. Finally, we determined that the beautiful tree we had selected was too tall for the tree stand that we had from last Christmas.

It wasn't going to work.

So we laid the tree on the ground. It was too late to go back out and, besides, we all needed dinner.

Tomorrow, I said.

And tomorrow came and it was a very full day. And then it was the next day. And it felt like now or never. So I got my youngest in the car and we drove out in search of a tree stand.

We found one. We brought it home. I got my teenager back downstairs to help and (phew!) we got it standing!

Now it was time for the lights! My favorite part!

I got down the bag where I had carefully stored the lights from last year. My youngest reminded me to plug them in (just to check) before wrapping them around the tree. So we plugged them in...and, I kid you not, not one single bulb on any of the four strings of lights turned on.

Feeling defeated and exhausted, I gave up.

Again. For a little while.

Over a week later, I got everyone in the car again, for a trip to find new lights. We bought the lights but by the time we got home, it was time for dinner. The boxes sat unopened for another few days.

Then one morning...was it Christmas Eve already?

Maybe...

My youngest sat on the ground spinning the tree in its stand while I strung the lights around it.

We plugged them in. It was beautiful. One of my favorite things about this season: the light in the darkness.

And that was it. That was all I could do.

And here's the thing: I let it be enough and because I let it be enough, I could actually enjoy it so much more.

I mean, look...isn't it beautiful?

And here's the other funny thing...I have been wanting to write this email to you all since I took the photo over a month ago.

And yet, life happened. Things got very challenging. Harder than ever maybe. And like I said, I am committed to being so so gentle with myself.

And that is, of course, why I am sharing this story with you.

Perhaps you are also in a moment where every 'small thing' seems like an epic challenge.

I want you to know that you are not alone.

And I want you to know that I am here, cheering you on.

And I am here, walking this walk alongside you.

We will create beauty and joy in our lives. And we will do it one small step at a time. And we will honor our bodies and our capacity and go so, so gently along the way.

And maybe, just maybe, this will be how we create a more loving world.